(1a)With friends
Most public seating options cleverly put just one armrest between seats, so that whenever a person and the person next to them want to rest their arms at the same time, there's going to be a conflict. Both people, out of social custom are forced to argue that the other person should really be the one who gets the armrest - out of some masochistic version of altruism. You really want that arm rest because you've spent all day a)being a preacher b)waving to people or c)slapping people and your friend wants to deprive you of this sorely needed spot designated for the rest and recuperation of your arm. Eventually you'll lose out and let your so-called "friend" use the armrest but not before a few rounds of "No you""No, really I insist""I really couldn't"etc.
(1b)With strangers
This can be quite the point of contention because you have no social obligation to relinquish your right to that armrest but even so, you can't exactly paralyze the stranger's arm in an attempt to gain access to this priveledged elite limb lounge for the listless and lazy who want to placate and lull their arm into serene composure. Of course, your seat neighbor, for whatever outrageous reason, believes they are entitled to the same priveleges you are and like a ninja slyly sneaks his or her arm onto YOUR armrest. Cunningly, you have to distract them in such a way that they'll have to move their arm. Most simply, you might drop a pen/toss it their direction "carelessly" and request their help in retrieving it and seizing their vulnerability as an opportunity, your arm can swoop in and reclaim the territory that should have been yours all along.
(2)The CEO
This guy (and statistics show that it's usually a guy) has an abundant amount of self-confidence but also believes that his legs recieve too much blood, too easily, when gravity can help them. As a solution, this guy figures he's gotta rest his legs over the seat in front of him, so that, even though he's a relatively small guy, he needs to take up more room than is really necessary. Legs elevated, the guy not only takes up the customary seat where his bottom happens to be located, but also the seat in front of him. In the process, the guy will be leaning back to compensate the push back his legs are giving him by being elevated - thus the people behind him will also be forced to have less leg room. There should be screenings to make sure that these people are purposefully given front row to prevent their larger-than-needed capacity.
(3)RLS
Restless leg syndrome seems to envelop the minds of those a)bored or b)absent-minded. These people will start tapping their leg, which normally wouldn't be too much of a problem if it weren't for the fact that their leg tapping has to happen against another chair. This tapping is often so powerful that people five seats away in either direction are quite aware of this incessant vibration of their lumbar and lower regions.
(4)The talker
Like a covert spy, this person finds out where you sit and locates themselves as near to you as possible (preferably right behind you) and once there, they turn into chatter box. If they've seen the event or movie they evolve into a commentator or narrator of the event/movie or otherwise they simply question everything imaginable about the movie, as if they have rampant ADHD that forces them to stop paying attention at exactly the most dramatic part of a scene or narration and question what's going on.
(5)The walker
This person is quite similar to the talker, in that they also purposefully position themselves near you (preferably in your row, but if not, at least in front of you so as to block your vision when they pass by). Then, determining that a scene of particular importance is impending, they decide they have a burning desire to go to the bathroom or concession stand, which involves crossing in front of half a row of people(because of course they can't forsee this desire and therefore seat themselves almost exactly in the middle of a row) disturbing innocent viewers with loud "Excuse me"s and painful bone-crushing attacks on audience members' feet that elicites vociferous wails.
(6)The hair
This person believes, much like a cat, that by increasing the volume of their hair, they will attain some end they desire(in the case of cats it's saftey from predators, in the case of people it seems an attempt to aggrevate even the kindest of heart). With hair comparable in magnitude to Marge Simpson, they seat themselves in front of you. They have some predilection for subtitled movies which of course means anyone within five rows of their column will forced to turn into an overactive pendulum just to read snipets of the movie's dialogue and end up leaving with some half-baked idea of what the movie was about.
(7)The fidgeter
Finding the most worn down, squeakiest seat in a colossal collection of otherwise prestine seats, this person, determines the best way to get comfortable is to spend inordinate amounts of time adjusting themselves only to find out five minutes later that some other position, that apparently requires contortionists' acrobatic skill to accomplish, is far preferable and proceeds to squeak to their delight.
(8)The sleeper
Narcolepsy seems to be an epidemic in public places. Classrooms, movies, lectures and drivers seem to all be subject to the whims of this disorder that forces them to fall asleep and, in conjunction with sleep apnea, snores loudly and disrupts or disturbs anyone with a vested interest in what's going on. Of course these people likely don't have this disorders, but they seem to do a fine job of imitating the symptoms.
No comments:
Post a Comment