New Socks

If everyone, except me, were to suddenly stop wearing socks and move to some new trend, I don't think the sock company would lose a lot of money. Somehow, casually wearing my socks (no running or extraneous exercise) I manage to wear them out, sometimes within a single day. It has been proposed to me, by my mother, who's spent the majority of my life buying me socks, that my feet are comprised of some sort of invisible talons that rip apart my socks.

That foot that looks like it's trying to crush the words that I'm writing is my foot and it's ruined many a sock for me. I've probably owned, in the last year, 10 times more socks than most people own in their lifetime. So don't worry sock companies of the world. I'll keep you in business!

Now of course these spiked feet aren't all bad. I think they're actually a genetic advantage. While other kids run around the soccer field with cleats, I can get my footing al-naturale and tear up the field and my socks - saving money and losing money on footwear.

I was told I wasn't allowed to participate in tae-kwon-do when we learned the flying side-kick. I didn't understand at the time, but I now know it's because they were jealous of my form.

Friends' moms, who I notice all had nice wood-paneled floors (though this may not be relevant), wouldn't let their kids invite me over. I guess it was because they were upset that their kids didn't have the evolutionary advantage I had and so worried, rightly-so, that their kids were lesser than me (or so my mom tells me).

I missed out on a lot of opportunities that most other kids have, but I guess that's the price you pay when you're no longer a homo sapien but a homo myfootiswaybetterthanyoursapien©.