Peeing In The "Woods"

Have you ever been on a long drive and really had to take a wizz?

We've all been there, many of us may have even pulled to the side of the road, found a hidden spot and let nature take it's course. I can count myself amongst those that have pulled to the side of the road to take a leak.

Sometimes, hard as we may try, we're not always as hidden as we believe.

I used to visit my friend, Danny, every weekend. He lived fifty miles from me, so getting there always took a little over an hour. Often we'd head out around lunch time, so on the way, we'd all get hungry and agree to get fast food.

As usual, I got a burger and a drink, a large drink - large, at least, compared to the size of a human bladder. When it comes to drinking, I'm like a camel in that I drink a lot, but I'm not like a camel in that I can't store it. Camels can drink gallons of water and then go days without drinking because they can store it in the hump on their back. I can drink gallons of water and then go minutes without peeing, but pretty soon it'll catch up to me.

Well, I wolfed down my burger and practically inhaled my entire beverage and sat quite content. When you drink fast, all of your beverage can go through quite quickly and since most beverages are liquid and liquids are digested in 15-20 minutes, whatever you drink will hit your bladder pretty soon.

Now, I mentioned that the trip takes a little over an hour, so you can easily see that 15 minutes is only a small segment of that - a fraction of the time. Having downed the whole beverage quickly, it all hit me at once.

When we got to be about ten minutes or so from my friend's house, I couldn't hold it any longer. I demanded that my mom pull off at the nearest curb that was located next to the woods and I would go relieve myself behind a tree.

After what felt like forever, we finally pulled off into the shoulder of a street we were on and I jumped out of the car and dashed for the woods. I wasn't too picky about what tree I would use, just anything about as thick as me and maybe fifty feet in would do.

All I could focus on was urination and holding back that urination till I found a tree. Being so unaware of my surroundings is what lead to a rather embarrassing situation that I will describe soon.

I found a tree, maybe ten rows of trees in, that would cover me from the road and I unzipped and let waves of relief wash over me as I gave my drink back to nature. When I was just about finished, I shook out the last drops and began to zip up my pants.

Suddenly, from my right, I hear a voice yelling. It's an old man, exiting his house, cane in hand, scolding me.

"How would you like it if I went to your house and peed on your lawn?" the old man yells.

I'm going to break here to tell you a little about where I lived at this time, so you can appreciate what I was imagining when this guy yelled that.

I lived in a highly populated sub-urban town of 40,000 people. I lived on the second floor of a two-family house on one of the five most popular roads. My front yard was small, maybe 10 feet by 10 feet and is clearly visible by anyone and everyone who drives on the road, which on any given day, during most hours when the sun is out, will mean several hundred people in the space of five minutes.

So, as this guy is yelling at me, I am running as fast as my little legs can take me (I'm around twelve or so at the time) and imagining this elderly man, whipping out his tinkler on my front lawn, exposing himself to hundreds of passersby as he just pees gingerly on my lawn.

He waves his cane at me when I turn back to see if he's gaining on me at all (he isn't moving much faster than a turtle). I yell to my mom to open the side door of the mini-van as I come sprinting at it.

My sister hurls it open just in time for me to dive in and shout for my mom to step on it.

The old man never did pee on my lawn to my knowledge, though I'm sure it would've been the talk of the town for some time if he did. Every time since then that I go to Danny's house, I pass that old man's place and think of when I peed on his lawn.